When I first sat down to write this piece, let’s hold that thought. Yikes! An urgent appeal incoming: Even before I sat down, I was revolving around my room’s orbit like an anxious pregnant cat searching for a place for her litter. That’s what I do when I feel anxious. To revolve round and round until my legs give out and I am forced to disappear in the thick darkness my polka-dotted blanket offers me. Today, I was not up for round two of revolve and disappear. I decided to write, which isn’t what I am professionally profound to do. Anyways, back to what happened after I sat down. The first thought that popped into my chaotic head was, “How am I supposed to begin this? Should I start with an introduction? An introduction to who I am? What do I do?” Well, here’s the thing. If truth be told, introductions are for strangers. I remember my most recent encounter with introductions. It happened through a letter which was a response to the very first letter I ever wrote for somebody else. My letter started with the phrase “Fuck introductions,” and the response started with “I won’t fuck introductions as you did.” That’s when the ball hit home, and I felt alien. I don’t wish to pass on that feeling of being unknown. If this piece has reached you, you are already close to me because “Hey! You are reading my thoughts! Isn’t that an affirmation on its own? No introductions needed. Fuck introductions”.
This is my first blog post ever and it’s gonna be about the vicious cycle of comparisons and completions. Before I begin, let’s set the premise of what’s happening. You and I, we are explorers. The steps of this ladder are wide enough for us to climb together. Neither of us is a follower nor a leader. And this is how we encounter our first step. Ready explorer?
Step one of the ladder: “Follow my lead”
You might think, and mind you, this is a presumption born in my mind. You might think, “She’s the one writing this blog post. Isn’t she the one guiding me, and I am the one following the guidelines? As a matter of fact, how can neither of us be a follower or a leader?” The concept of “follow my lead” is born out of comparison, my dear explorer. We are not even the same person, to begin with. You are the reader, and I am Marada Amrutha Reddy. We are born to different parents, brought up under different circumstances, and yet brought together by destiny. You have may be blessed with a smile that reminds one of the cool breezes that play with the trees right before rainfall. As for my smile? I like to think of it as a delicate one like the petals of a rose flower.
My dear explorer, we are matchless. Why do you think I am writing this blog post? Is it because I believe I have more experience than you? So that you could follow my lead? No. Do you see what’s happening here? Subconsciously, I am looking for a base to prove my point. Why am I doing it? Why can’t I let a point be without needing a ground of comparison for it to exist? I will tell you why I think I am looking for a base. It is because humans are visual creatures. We need pieces of evidence to believe something is true. We are habituated to looking for signs to confirm a possibility. That shouldn’t be the point ever for this discussion we are having. The fact is for you to have your experiences while you read and for me to have mine while I write. This blog post is meant for you to make your path. We are individuals climbing the ladder together and carving our minds. That’s what this is about. Exploration. We are explorers. If one of us falls, the others are there to catch us. We won’t let each other fall off the ladder, and that’s that.
Step two of the ladder: “Mouldit Clay”
Do you know what Mouldit clay is? It’s a clay set used for modeling and sculpting. Once the clay is molded and as it dries, it loses its malleability, and the binds lose their elasticity. They become firm and breakable. That’s what happens with our minds too. The moment we come into this planet, right at that exact moment, our minds are as flexible as molds of clay with malleability at its fullest. We think we have infinite possibilities laid out for us. Enter society. Culture binds us with its strings, from being Mouldit clay with endless options to turning us into mere puppets. These strings are what force us to compare ourselves with everyone around us. What are these strings? Money, name, fame, power, and a craving for being loved and appreciated. As we grow old and become more aware of our circumstances, we get conditioned to abide by these strings and are told never to break away from them. We let go of our malleability and bind ourselves to these strings. We allow society to break our mind and makes us its twines. We lose our identity and become the nest. And that’s how the vicious cycle of comparison and completion begins.
Step three of the ladder: “Vicious cycle of comparison and completion”
The strings I told you about? They give birth to twisted obsessions that cause the murder of one’s identity. What’s obsession? The mania of not being able to play by the strings of our wretched puppeteer is what obsession is. The goal of this society is to breed us all into useless pieces of shit. Whoa! Firmly put, huh? Well, not really. Let me shed some light on how we are murdered and forced into a descent of oblivion. It all begins with observation. A simple observation of our surroundings is healthy. The problem arises when we start identifying ourselves with it. Identification is what leads us to comparison. We start identifying ourselves based on the number of strings we are attached to. The more strings you are bound to, the more perfect you are deemed. Let’s name it the collect and bound game. (Is it just me, or do you also sense a change of tone? Let me know after you read past this point.) This reminds me of a verse from Ariana Grande’s song “7 Rings”:
“My wrist, stop watchin’, my neck is flossy
Make big deposits, my gloss is poppin’
You like my hair? Gee, thanks, just bought it
I see it, I like it, I want it, I got it, yeah”
Do you know what happens when you don’t win this game? The devil is summoned. Muahahahaha!!! Enter incompleteness. A sense of incompleteness comes into existence and is chasing you to make you its *cough* humble abode. It starts taking control of our actions, feelings, and vibration. It settles in our body, mind, and soul to the extent that we start dreading our presence. This is when we begin lusting for its antidote, “completion.” At this point, I want you to listen to the song “The antidote by St Vincent.” The verse that comes to my mind is:
“I am the antidote
I’ll suck your venom out
Show me where it really hurts
I’ll show you where it really hurts”
Completion. Oooo… my occultist reflexes suggest that completion is projecting feminine energies. Dressed in hazy white, shining like moonlight from head to toe, she is summoned from the depths of oblivion to play with your heart and capture your soul. With wispy secrets playing along the corner of her lips, she whispers into your ear, “Don’t worry, Darling. This is just the beginning. There’s so much more, my sweet love.” Captivated by it, you start longing to seek it… no, OWN it. And that is when the hankering begins, and you start going astray. The urge beings!!! To be seen, to be worshipped, to be loved. There she is again. This time she’s gripped you by your neck and purrs, “Oh Yeah!! I know, my sweet love! I know you love being loved and pampered.”
My dear explorer, and that is why one runs after objects and aspects they subconsciously know are impossible to acquire. We play the collect and bound game in the quest to own completion. We attach ourselves to all the strings society has created and descend into oblivion, suffocating ourselves to death. This reminds me of the song “Heart of Stone by Iko.” The verse that comes to mind:
“I can breathe
I can breathe water, water
I can breathe
I can breathe water, water”
A comparison that urges you to possess completion at the cost of your identity. Is this what we want? Is this worth it? I don’t think so.
Step four of the ladder: “No strings attached”
At the point of writing this, I am chewing my fifth Hajmola. The time’s ten minutes to four in the afternoon. Right now, I am flirting my way with the sun, and the sun won’t stop kissing me. If we look around, there’s so much love for us to receive with no strings attached. Look around. Feel your father’s love in his not so smiling eyes. Feel your mother’s fingers tending to the dark black thicket of your hair. Feel the rhythmic chimes of your sister’s teases filled with love. Feel the hot sip of coffee barely touching your lips. Your first sip of coffee nursing your throat. The yearning you have in you to give feather-light kisses to the love of your life. Ecstasy, isn’t it?
Step five of the ladder: “Paradise awaits”
Can the experiences mentioned above be compared to anything in this world? I don’t think so explorer. Why? Because it’s love silly. Love requires sacrifice not the vicious cycle of comparisons and completion. The answer to all these questions is love. When you love yourself, when you acknowledge your presence in this busy buzzing world, when you go on with no strings attached to the society, the cycle of comparisons and completion ends and that’s how one reaches paradise. One doesnt need comparisons. Completion is subjective. It can end right at this point of time or can go until the end of time. It’s about love that makes one indifferent to both presence and absence. This reminds me of the song “Where we come alive by Ruelle”. The verse that comes to my mind:
“This is where we come alive
(Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh) This is where we come alive
Out of the shadows
And into the light
Bringing the unknown
This is where we come alive”
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to hold your hand and climb with you the first ladder of exploration. To many more ladders that are yet to be explored…
Amrutha Reddy the Occultist
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